Updated Bradley Family Rules

Dear friends and family,

The past couple of weeks, I've been out of school and other than when I'm at work, I've pretty much been hanging out with the kids all day long. This increased exposure to my children has made me realize that we've been in need of a few new house rules. If you are a guest in our home, these rules also apply to you, so please pay attention to the following changes:

***UPDATES TO THE BRADLEY FAMILY RULES***
I. Making a noise that a dying pig would make is not a preferable method of communication. However, we the parental unit, Mr. and Mrs. Bradley, acknowledge that making dying pig noises are warranted and even permissible in certain situations. These situations are limited to:
1. Getting attacked by hungry piranhas
2. Being approached by someone who is trying to abduct you
3. Trying to get your mom out of a speeding ticket by annoying the cop and getting him to feel
sorry for your mom
Dying pig noises are not permitted in the vast majority of situations including (but not limited to) the following:
1. Having your sister point at you.
2. Having your sister sing the "Chin up" song from Charlotte's Web while you're trying to sing the Trogdor the Burninator song
3. Running out of trail mix when you really want to eat trail mix
4. Getting a smooch from your baby brother while you're trying to slide down the banister

II. You may change clothes TWICE during the day. Once in the morning to change out of your pajamas and into your play clothes, and once in the evening to change back into your pajamas. If it is necessary to change into a costume to get in character for a pretending game, the costume is not considered dirty and may be folded up and returned to the appropriate drawer upon return to regular activity. Discarded clothing is NOT to touch the floor. Boredom or disdain for one's underpants is an insufficient reason for changing them. Outfits worn for less than 20 minutes are not considered dirty unless visibly soiled. Dirty clothing is to be put directly in the hamper. Clean clothing is to remain in it's drawer unless it is being worn.

III. You may take a dump in one of two places:
1. The loo (preferred)
2. Your diaper (permissible for incontinent family members and house guests)
While we're on the subject of relieving ourselves, let's make it clear that everyone is entitled to the same amount of privacy. It is unfair to expect one member of the family to endure an audience during tampon insertion while another family member makes the dying pig sound when anyone comes within 5 feet of the bathroom door.

IV. The floor is not a trash can. Neither is the sink, the nightstand, the bookshelves, the bed, the hallway, the staircase, or the dining room table. The only thing that is a trash can is the trash can. Kindly remember this when finding a home for your half-eaten banana.

V. In this family, we descend the staircase in a civilized manner. In this case, the term 'civilized' is defined as: 'doing things in a way that does not bore holes through your clothing or cause concussions.' Also, please remember that while equipment such as wagons, blankets, and plastic bags may seem to enhance and shorten the duration of the stair descending experience, these objects can cause injury when used by the smallest members of the family. Legs are perfectly suitable for accomplishing the task of transporting oneself between floors.

We appreciate your efforts in observing the rules of our home. We look forward to hosting you in our home.
Respectfully yours,
The maternal unit

P.S. The other day, Eve said something really funny. We were going to the bookstore to pick out some new reading material and she said to me, "Yay! We're going to my favorite place! Barnestantinoble!